10.22.2005

Another Kind of Humiliation

Driving down the road in my car, wearing high heels and pantyhose, satin pink panties and matching bra. Pink woman's shirt. Tight women's boot-cut jeans. Warm, sticky spoo dribbling down one leg, a cumstain widening slowly on my groin. Full of regret. Vowing never to do that again. Hoping and praying no one I know saw me. This is another truth about transvestites like me.

Before I cum, dressed in woman's clothes at the mall, the shame of it all turns me on. Gives me the courage I need to embarrass myself that way. But the split-second after I spurt into my panties all that turn-on is gone, vanished. Instantly I become this pathetic pervert who just beat off in women's clothes. I want nothing more than to go home and take off these things, hide them away, forget what I did.

The humiliation I feel then is very different from the humiliation I feel when I first enter the mall. It's painful and shameful and completely devoid of any eroticism. Right then, I see myself as others do. As a pervert and a freak. A sissy and a fag. Right then, I know who I really am.

76 comments:

Anonymous said...

I must say you are one hot looking transvestite. I wouldn't mind having you on my arm or having my hand on your nylon covered leg.
You are HOT.

Anonymous said...

Right, sexual arousal works in cycles. When you cum, you exit the sissy mode.
But later you begin to get excited again, and it starts over.

In more detail, I believe it works as follows:

Stage 1
When you are extremely excited, and have been for a long time, the cum in your body is "worn out."
You feel like a tortured soul who can't help but engage in the kinkiest things.
(This is when you decided to go to the mall in fuck-me pumps.)

Stage 2
Ejaculation. When you ejaculate your totally "worn-out" cum, you feel better physically, but utterly disgusted and humiliated by everything you previously did.
(This is how you felt when you squirted in your car.)

Stage 3
After you get some food, water, rest, physical activity, etc, you start feeling much better and your cum levels rise again.
But this time the arousal feels different, it feels AWESOME.

So, this is why we are so hopeless, because Stage 3 sets everything in motion again and it eventually snowballs into Stage 1 again.

We can't resist Stage 3 because it feels super-good.
So, we wind up sacrificing our pride for our pleasure.

Jamie Michelle said...

Oh, poor dear!

Don't beat yourself up over your innocent activities! Whose field have you burned? Whose ox have you gored? Whose well have you poisoned? That is, whose person or property have you aggressed against?

Follow the Golden Rule and you will be doing what is right.

Cheer up, dear!

You feel that way after you cum because you haven't yet fully accepted yourself. You carry with you a lot of shame concerning your breaking what mass society expects from males.

I hope you can come to fully accept your feminine side and let the shame go.

If you want someone to talk to about your feelings then feel free to email me at femmejamie@yahoo.com . I'm 28 years of age, too.

Love,

Jamie Michelle

http://profiles.yahoo.com/femmejamie

Jaguar b. p. said...

No, the loss of interest after ejaculation is physical.
Just like you're not interested in food after you're done stuffing yourself with it.
That is not a psychological thing.
And it doesn't mean you'll never take food again.

Jamie Michelle said...

Jaguar b. p., what I said above was in response to SissyStacy's comments in her post entitled "Another Kind of Humiliation." She said that she feels like "a pervert and a freak," etc., after she cums.

The issue here is not loss of sexual interest after orgasm, but SissyStacy's low self-esteem and self-loathing over her being a transvestite--of which is very much "a psychological thing." It is this issue that my above comments addressed.

Jaguar b. p. said...

But he did not loathe himself before the climax.

So clearly the ejaculation is what triggered these feelings. A chemical change of his body, affecting his behavior.

You appear to be suggesting that he should accept his transvestism and realize it's perfectly okay since he's hurting no one, and goring no one's oxen.

What I'm saying is that if the physical change is strong enough, that won't help. He'll still be repulsed.

So, the answer is not really psychological, it's about keeping your body in your desired state. If you want to be a full-time sissy, you should do things that promote sissiness; not the things that would make sissy desires go away.

Jamie Michelle said...

Jaguar b. p., apparently you must suffer from the same condition as SissyStacy, so you think that it is unavoidable. This condition is quite common among sissies because they have not fully accepted themselves. I used to feel the same way upon losing my sex-drive after orgasm, until I came to fully accept myself.

Again, as I said before, the issue here is not loss of sexual interest after orgasm, but SissyStacy's low self-esteem and self-loathing over her being a transvestite *when she loses her sex-drive after orgasm*--of which is very much "a psychological thing."

If one is comfortable with who they are then there is *no* low self-esteem and self-loathing upon losing one's sex-drive after orgasm.

The loss of sex-drive after orgasm is a physiological matter, but the low self-esteem and self-loathing upon losing one's sex-drive after orgasm is a psychological issue due to not having fully accepted oneself (of which issue my above comments addressed).

Jaguar b. p. said...

How do you explain the fact that he does not feel bad about it *before* orgasm?

Jamie Michelle said...

I already explained it, Jaguar b. p. See my above posts for that.

Anonymous said...

Is that you? You look fucking hot! Do you ever think about giving head? I would like to get off with you.

Anonymous said...

poor dear dont feel sorry for yourself coz u hurt no one

Anonymous said...

i understand that feeling completely, i.e., after cumming that you lose interest and wonder just what the hell you did! 8)

i try to make the feeling of humiliation last as long as possible... for example, i wear a long sleeve bodystocking beneath my clothes on a hot summer day when i have a long drive ahead of me (business trip).

It is impossible to masturbate during these long rides... some five hours or so.

Anonymous said...

it may be impossible to masturbate under the circumstances of travelling, but, but that's what little toys to stuff in that special sissy place are for. When they're vibrating and the satin is rubbing....oooh!

Chrissie

sissy said...

You are not a sissy or a fag. You are just you. The biggest "problem" is not what you are doing, how you feel etc. It's that you seem to care what total strangers think, those who are unable to face their own fears and insecurities. What a good waste of your time and energy. They are spiritually immature if they are judging you for being yourself. Celebrate yourself for who you are, not what you think that others think you should be. Erotic humiliation is a profoundly intense emotion and very arousing, but you are filling a need deep in you psyche that has been unmet and remains unresolved. Obsession is just that, obsessive. But in your case there is nothing to be ashamed of. Giving others this power is what contributes to a sense of low self esteem. You are free to take back that power at any time. Jaime is right, but fails to elaborate and suggests that "accepting" yourself means to accept that you are a sissy crossdressing fag. I disagree with that assumption. You are a man who gets turned on wearing sexy ladies clothing, accessories, etc. Big Deal. You are also a man who craves the experience of erotic humiliation. Big Deal. That is not a bad thing, in and of itself. That is part of what makes you who you are, and special. Do not be afraid of others ignorance. If all men were free of society's rigid roles, they would all be wearing hot sexy panties!

Anonymous said...

If you cum from anal penetration,
slowly, milked you know, then you don't loose the horniness/.
You don't lose the sissy/humiliation high.
I do know what you mean. I have purchased leotards and other female attire at dance shops and the young teenage girls are the worst! I've purchased make-up at the mall, and the girl waiting on me loudly offered me other items, just to embarrass me. I have been in lingerie stores and been told that they don't cater to fags, though that has been a few years ago. In all cases though, I masturbated to the humiliation of it later.

Barbie Boy said...

I am very touched reading the previous and especially this blog entry. It's like a mirror for my own desires, for my own feelings and for what I am doing, at least sometimes.

Straight, and totally into female clothing. Especially pantyhose and high heels. And into public humiliation. Married as I am and with family I have little possibility to do things at home, I suffer...
But like you I sometimes cannot help but going to the mall, trying on sexy girls dresses and high heels. Asking sales girls for help.
Sometimes I am in the mall fully clad in girl's clothes: Short shorts, pantyhose and pink glitter teeshirt. No wig, no makeup. Just a sissyboy. The stares. The whispering behind my back. The pointing and giggling. The burning shame. The total humiliation. Posing for giggling teenage girls with camera cellphones.

But after I have shot my load, I feel bad. I wish I had never done that. I wish I had a "normal" sexuality. I wish I wouldn’t betray my family. I think of my lovely children, who do not have a clue what their daddy is doing.
But after some time I am so horny again and I need to do it again, again I crave for public humiliation.

So I can understand your feelings. They seem to be very similar to mine. I would like to get in email contact with you. I would be happy if you wrote me!
Please excuse any language mistakes, I am not from an English-speaking country.
My email is: strumpfhosen-boy@web.de

I wish I had somebody to share the ups and downs. Drop me a line!

Sep 22, 2008

Anonymous said...

I would luv to rub my pathetic lil clitty with yours beautiful.

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Jess said...

Well I used to go through the same feelings until I excepted it and now I dress whenever possible it is no longer a sexual thing.
The desire to cross dress in the beginning comes from sexual fantasy and once you orgasm your no longer horny so you sit there in disgust.
Sexual fantasy are impossible to resist because they re linked to our pleasure sensors in the Brain like being addicted to a drug it is very much the same thing and after you get your fix you feel like shit because you sold your self to pay for the drug.

Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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msjb12 said...

When I was young like you I used to get all dressed up and then go outside and get in my car trunk, then take a chain and padlocks and fasten myself in the car trunk then when I would jack off, I did not want to be out there anymore but there I was stuck out there some nights It would cool down and get kind of damp in the trunk or worse yet a rain storm and listen to that rain all night, my wife sometimes would come and bring me the keys to the padlocks. I always would leave the keys on our kitchen table that way she would know I was in the trunk, but If it was raining I was out there for the night, she would not come out in the rain I spent a lot of nights out in the trunk. If it was not raining if she felt mean that night, she would leave me out until morning, when she let me out she would laugh at me for being such a fool, If it was a weekend I could spend the next day out there too, my wife would come out and visit with me she would tell me how stupid it was to spend the whole day in the trunk when she was out playing with our kids, I loved it though, But after a while I would jack off and come again ,Then I really wanted out again, but then I would start enjoying by predicament allover. I would be worn out when I was done but I was ready in a day or two for another round. I love my wife for playing along even though she did not like playing, but If she felt like trying to teach me a lesson I was there until I had to go to work.

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I don't understand all the shame. I am proud to be a sissy faggot. My tiny cock and balls are worthless to females. I will never be able to satisfy any female in bed. Never. I will never pro-create. I shoot blanks. I have accepted this. I will always be a loveless fuck puppet transvestite faggot. I was not meant to be male, so living a female-oriented life is all I know and want. I suppose I could view my life as pathetic, but I am very happy, therefore my life is only pathetic in the eyes of others. I am a shameless faggot cumslut and I love my life.

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I suffer from the same thing; with a bit of hard work and some research I only get those flash depressions (I know they are miserable and hard to endure right now)far and few between, with less and less duration.

It is physical as well as psychological. Myself I was raped by my father as a child and for years though I could enjoy foreplay and sex, but the minute I I reached orgasm my shame would shoot me right down to suicidal.

Proper diet helps a lot, so does self talk and doing things like one of the anonymous posters put up about extending the good humiliation and excitement and personal pantie secrets.

Try masturbating to just before ejaculation a few times and recompose yourself -- all in drag, to help re-train your self esteem.

You have done nothing but right by yourself and your needs. Keep it up. You are a sexy cross-dresser - just read the comments.

I'm a top and I would count myself lucky to be with someone as attractive, honest, brave and adventurous as you.

Anonymous said...

Well done for being so honest. I feel exactly the same way you do so you are not alone. I have no answers
to this cursed cycle except to enjoy the upside as much as you can while you can and make it last long as possible.

Anonymous said...

I THINK YOU ARE A VERY BEUTIFUL WOMAN AND WISH I WERE AS PRETTY AS YOU ARE.WHOS PATHETIC,IM CUMMING IN MY PANTIES LOOKING AT YOU,WISHING I CAN GO TO THE MALL AND TRY ON OUTFITS WITH YOU.

cazz said...

you are just so hot and i love the fact you accept that you are a SISSY xx

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Most gay men tell me that I dress as a sissy because I cann't except the fact that I love cock as a man. But that not true at all. I am a sissy because I love everything fem. Beautiful sexy colorful panties, bras, garters, nylons, high heels, and make up. My dominate personaly is female as is my non verbal gesters, the way I think and act and even the way I talk and even to a small degree the way I walk. I felt this at a early age. Other boys made fun of my tiny cock, which I was very embrassed about. So I withdrew into my private world of dressing and excepting who and what I am. I am proud to be neither male or female but a sissy who is at peace. I such a shame in this day and age we cann't just be ourselves

sissy

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our wives also want to see more males feminized and emasculated as we both are .we don't now consider ourselves as male now,more like females .late in life we now know that the females are in fact the superior sex ..our wives always knew this,of course and we accept this fact that we are the weaker sex .
we see many young girls now doing what were boys things like sports while the boys look on,how life has changed !.
jack.h.1300@mail.com